The Real Usagi: take 9182380
by Calimetaure
Summary: [ON HOLD INDEFINITELY] ::randomxSM:: What's this? The Inners have betrayed Usagi again! Why, yes, they have. But this time, we're doin' it my way.
1. Betrayal! ... again

I am fed up! I can't stand it anymore! Usagi is not God people! She is not an Elf, she is not some Omnipotent figure who knows and sees all! So ... I am striking back, in my own and non-violent way of course. Naturally, inspiration comes from the fabulous Girl-Chama, whose own parody can be read on ff.net.  
  
Disclaimers: I own nothing. The idea to write this was taken shamelessly from other parodies written by authors wiser and far better than I, but I am, as I said, doing this in my own fashion.  
  
Act One: Betrayed! or Usagi isn't who we think she is.  
  
Narrator/Me: *reading off a script* It was a bright sunny day, right after school. *is handed a piece of paper* No, wait ... it's not after school. I forgot, there *is* no time of the day in these fics. Right, well, anyway ... As per usual Usagi found herself walking down the street to Mamoru's apartment *gets another paper* ... No wait, she's not going to Mamoru's apartment, she's going to Rei's temple. *gets more paper* no, she's not going to the temple, she's going to the shrine. Right, so she found herself walking down the street to Rei's temple/shrine, unaware of anything going on around her and blissfully happy. Then she looked at her watch.  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I'M LAAAAAAAAATE!!!" Usagi wailed, tears of frustration forming in her eyes.  
  
Narrator/Me: And so she began to run, now even less aware of anything going on around her. *is threatened by author* Oops, sorry, I forgot. Her senses are so enhanced that she was able to note /everything/ happening around her, but she was going too fast to pay attention.  
  
"Rei's gonna KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" she shrieked as she ran.  
  
Narrator/Me: She ran all the way to the temple/shrine and up the huge stair case, until she came to the top stair and promptly fell over, tripping on her own two feet. *another paper is handed down* All right, all right! So she /gracefully/ ascended the many steps to the temple/shrine like the goddess she is! Happy now?! Anyway, the Inner Senshi were standing there, but Rei. Usagi noted this only vaguely as she looked around.  
  
"Where's Rei-chan?" she asked.  
  
Narrator/Me: Not waiting for an answer from the others Usagi happily walked inside, heading towards Rei's room and humming happily. When she reached the shoji door, she saw not one, but two shadowed figures through the paper shielding.  
  
"Oooh ... you've really got it deep in there," said Rei's voice.  
  
"That's not even half of it," answered a male's voice.  
  
"Mamo-chan ... " Usagi whispered.  
  
"Ouch! Take it easy! Not so hard!" said Mamoru.  
  
"I'm sorry, but it's really big!"  
  
"Well then, get around it a little firmer."  
  
Narrator/Me: Usagi gasped in horror. Her so-called lover and best friend were having sex behind her back! And he had just proposed to her, too! Not taking into account any of the vast majorities of other possibilities of situations possible, she turned and ran down the temple hall, wailing. Rei and Mamoru heard her shrieks and as they jumped apart to find out who had started the fire, the splinter that was in Mamoru's side came out.  
  
"Ack! Itai! ... Er ... thanks, Rei. I'd hate to have to explain to Usako how I'd gotten that there," Mamoru said sheepishly.  
  
"I told you not to go foraging for firewood in the dump. You never can tell what Christmas trees are like after they're thrown out," Rei answered with a teasing grin, "Now, let's find out what that was all about."  
  
Narrator/Me: Usagi had run to the other Senshi and was now in the process of accusing them for Rei's so called "betrayal". This was, of course, done without even bothering to think that they either might not have known about it, or that they even if they had known about it, there was no way that it was their fault. After all, people couldn't exactly force two other people to sleep together, but we must remember that Usagi's I.Q. is not the best. *more paper comes down* Oh, all right. So Usagi's I.Q. is /higher/ that Ami Mizuno's, but she just likes to jump to conclusions. Anyway ...  
  
"How could you? You knew that Rei and Mamoru were cheating on me this whole time, didn't you? And you never told me!!! What kind of friends, no ex-friends, are you?!" Usagi ranted at the very confused Senshi standing in front of the shrine *more paper* ... temple ... *more paper* building of prayer. *rolls eyes and mumbles about stupid newbie authors raised on the dub.*  
  
"Anou ... Usagi-chan" Ami began, "Mamoru-san and Rei-chan went inside because of a splinter - "  
  
"NO THEY DIDN'T! THEY WENT IN TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT MEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Narrator/Me: If it were possible, Usagi's screeching went to an even higher deciple level and the Senshi were forced to plug their ears with spare tissues or ear plugs pulled out of hammer space. And, because this happens every time, the Outer Senshi randomly appeared out of thin air, while Mamoru and Rei walked out of the temple ... shrine ... building of prayer entrance.  
  
"Usagi-chan?" Rei asked.  
  
"Don't you Usagi-chan me!" shrieked the oblivious blonde, "You've been cheating on me with Mamoru! You just want to be queen! You never liiiiiiiked meeeeeeeeee!"  
  
"What are you - "  
  
"Shut up!" Usagi shouted and ran into Setsuna's arms, "You're my only real friends!"  
  
Narrator/Me: And naturally, the Time Guardian tried to peel her off ... *threatened with a flaming stick* ... simply so she could better console her distraught princess.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Hotaru asked, "I spend more time with Chibi-usa than I ever have with you."  
  
"And the only reason the rest of us appear is because, unfortunately, you're needed in the future. You see, I like the idea of knowing that I'm not going to die tomorrow and that the world isn't going to blow up around me. That's why we stick around." Haruka added.  
  
*both get bonked over the head with a mallet by newbie author*  
  
"Oh, fine!" Hotaru muttered. "I mean: Of course, Usagi-san. I see now that your supposedly faithful Inner Court was no more than a bunch of scheming liars. But rest assured knowing that we are with you till the end."  
  
"Yes, that's right," said Haruka sullenly. "We will prove our faithfullness to you because you are so perfect and graceful and wonderful and more powerful than we are, despite the fact that you can't even use your own crystal without dying and can't walk without tripping over non-existant shoelaces."  
  
Narrator/Me: Usagi, conveniently, didn't hear them and grabbed the Time Key staff from Setsuna. Then she brought out her crystal from God-only-knows-where-she-keeps-it.  
  
"Take me anywhere but here!" she pleaded.  
  
Narrator/Me: Experiencing a Freudian Slip and very conveniently forgetting that the crystal would kill her if she tried anything and that only Setsuna could control the Time Key staff. *growling from newbie author* Okay, okay! I'm sorry! I won't add in any more of my own commentary. Sheesh. *looks down a script* A blinding flash of light, as always, appeared around her, and when it disappeared she was gone. The Senshi blinked, trying to regain their vision, and looked at each other.  
  
"Should we be worried?" Makoto asked, after a while.  
  
"No, I don't think so. I'll be able to look into the dimensions and pull her out when she finally comes to her senses," Setsuna assured them.  
  
"But ... what if she lands in a time and falls in love with one of them? What if she refuses to come back?!" asked Ami worriedly.  
  
"Oh, there's no needing to worry about that. They'll either all be gay, or they just won't be able to put up with her for more than an hour."  
  
"You know this?" asked Minako.  
  
"Of course," Setsuna grinned, "I can see the future after all, she'll be arriving in the dimension of the Colonies first, I think. Would you like to come watch?"  
  
Narrator/Me: The Senshi looked at each other and shrugged, each nodding.  
  
"Why not?" asked Mamoru.  
  
Narrator/Me: And Setsuna brought them all to the Time Gates to watch the fate of their Princess with an I.Q. of no more, though very possibly less, than three. *the flaming stick reappears* All right, all right! An I.Q. of no /less/ than 340. Happy now? *author nods smugly*  
  
~done with chapter one~  
  
Where shall Usagi go now? Well, you've got a choice. After this chapter will come a multitude of the various places that Usagi usually goes, starting with the Gundam Wing dimension. In this way, I can make fun of more stories, in greater detail. In other words, you can choose all the places you like to see me make fun of, aren't you lucky? Enjoy yourselves, and please review! =^-^= 


	2. We're Not in Kansas Anymore

Notes:  
  
To CrashStorms: Exactly. This /is/ called fanfiction, where I can come to unleash my imagination and make fun of the great goddess that is Usagi. *rolls eyes* It's exactly like you say, too. No body is holding a gun to your head saying read this or die. This is not meant to be insulting. Just factual.  
  
To Comet Moon: Usagi isn't the hero, really, and this has /nothing/ to do with the show. This has to do with authors who turn Usagi into something she isn't. Also noted in my bio, yes the show is called "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon", but it is not called "Sailor Moon and Those Other Girls Who Are Just Sorta Kinda There". GEEEEZZZZZ.  
  
To Dark Angle: I'm making them that way because I want to.  
  
Chapter Two: We're not in Kansas Anymore, Luna  
  
Narrator/Me: *reading off new script* And so, as Setsuna predicted, Usagi found herself in the dimension of the Colonies. This time she appeared unconscious next to Quatre's very large but very nondescript mansion *a piece of paper floats down* ... all right, so she's an assassin trained by Dr. J *another paper* ... no, she's trained by Setsuna and is Quatre's sister. (Side note: this actually I find plausible, and I'm not making fun of it, because I think they'd do well together as brother and sister). Right, so Usagi is Setsuna's, henceforth known as Madam P, protégé, and is Quatre's long lost sister.  
  
"Your mission is to do everything possible to one-up the actual Gundam pilots," Setsuna ... er ... Madam P, said gravely. "To do this you will have to cut off your hair, make sure to be emotionless, wear some sort of Armani or Abercrombie & Fitch get-up, and be able to use every kind of weapon imaginable. Do you accept?"  
  
Narrator/Me: Usagi nodded once, no emotion showing in her beautiful prussian *paper comes down* ... cerulian *another paper* ... You know what, they're blue! Blue, damn it! *clears throat* No emotions showed in her beautiful /blue/ "orbs". *mutters* oh, honestly. They're eyes, leave it at that.  
  
"Good," said Madam P, trying to hold in her laughter as she always did during these fics. "Here is a folder of everything you need to know to complete your mission, including every last bit of background information I could find on the pilots. This includes things that even they don't know, such as their entire history, their real names, and their parents. Well, Quatre knew his father, and I'm sure WuFei did too ... but it applies for the rest."  
  
Narrator/Me: Once again, Usagi nodded emotionlessly and magically produced a pair of scissors to cut her hair. As always in these sort of fics, she had already ingested the information in the folder through osmosis, and the folder disappeared, never to actually be opened. Snip, snip, went the scissors, and down fell the hair that Usagi had cut off. This was done without even once thinking of looking into a mirror, but naturally her hair looked like it had been done by a professional hair-stylist.  
  
"Right then, you're ready," said Madam P. "This is the key to your house. You live right next to Quatre's house, and very coincidentally, all five Gundam pilots are living there. Soon you will be joined by an Outer Senshi of your choice, if you want one, who will help you with your mission of being better than the pilots. As always you have a Gundam called White Moon -"  
  
Narrator/Me: *gets paper from author* It's called Moon Revenge this time, Pluto.  
  
"Oh, thank you," Madam P said. "So it's called Moon Revenge and it is faster than Deathscythe, packs more ammunition than Wing Zero, including the Zero system, and has the best stealth system in the universe."  
  
Narrator/Me: And so, Usagi left, bidding an emotionless farewell to her trainer of only two months. But hey, this is Usagi the goddess, and she knew everything like she had been born to do it. By some freak chance of nature, the random building that Usagi and Madam P had been standing in was actually the Gundam Hangar, which held all six gundams in it, and was right next to Usagi's new house. She did not stop to wonder how it was hidden from the prying eyes of OZ, because it was also located right next to the Relena Peacecraft Peace School (known to those who have actually watched the show as St. Gabriel's), but trusted it to Fate and Luck.  
  
"Heya baaaaabe!" called an overly cheerful voice.  
  
"Hn," Usagi snorted.  
  
"Whoa, like dude! She's like, Heero's long lost twin, maaaan!" said the boy, "But like, what a hottie!"  
  
"Maxwell! I insist that you cease and desist this horrid rambling of yours!" said another boy, magically appearing from no where.  
  
Narrator/Me: Usagi, of course, recognized them immediately. These were the Gundam pilots that she had been sent to show off for. As per usual, she had appeared in front of her new home without even having had to walk anywhere to get to it. Of course, the annoying one couldn't be anyone but Duo Maxwell, because as we all know, though his specialty is stealth and he's probably one of the smartest people in the world, he's really just an air head with a lot of hair. *growls* And the other one just had to be Chang WuFei, because he and Duo were having a bout of name-calling.  
  
"Don't be so mean to me, Wu-Wu."  
  
"That's WuFei, Maxwell!"  
  
"And I'm, like, Duo, Wu-man."  
  
Narrator/Me: *trying desperately not to kill something* And so, even without trying, Usagi was able to learn the names of two of the very people she was supposed to be better than. Of course all this was taking place outside, seeing as the author constantly skips from one thing to another without being aware of the surroundings of the characters in the fiction, and so Quatre, Trowa, and Heero were able to come out side to see what was going on.  
  
" ... " said Trowa.  
  
"I agree," said Quatre, nodding, "I do believe that she is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on."  
  
"Hn," said Heero.  
  
"Oh, come off it," the blond scoffed. "She can't be my sister."  
  
"Like, dude, she can. You've got like, three hundred!" Duo grinned stupidly.  
  
"Hn," said Heero.  
  
" ... " said Trowa.  
  
Narrator/Me: *rolling eyes* Usagi just stood there while they all fought over her beauty and grace, even though they hadn't known her for more than two minutes. While all this was going on, Haruka appeared out of nowhere with Madam P.  
  
"Of course she's your sister, Quatre," said Madam P, "So is Haruka. - "  
  
Narrator/Me: *getting paper from author* Not this time, Pluto. It's just Usagi.  
  
"Oh, fine," said Madam P stiffly. "So only /Usagi/ is your sister this time, Quatre. Can't you tell? The blond hair and blue eyes and her hidden personality that I have forced her to repress because otherwise she'd never be a better pilot than you?"  
  
Narrator/Me: Quatre looked long and hard at the clone of Heero just staring at a wall, and suddenly realized that she was indeed his thirty-seventh sister, who had been lost at birth. This was, of course, despite the fact that his mother had died after his own birth and she was supposedly younger than he was.  
  
"How could I not have realized?" he cried, "Now I shall have to gouge my eyes out because I thought my sister was beautiful! I will never love again!"  
  
"Don't be stupid, Winner," said WuFei. "Women are weak. We don't need them."  
  
Narrator/Me: And he quickly found himself flat on his back, staring up into the emotionless blue eyes that were Usagi's. She was just too fast for him to have been able to defend himself, and so he tried to commit seppuku, knowing that his honor had been destroyed by a woman.  
  
*Narrator flees post to stop said Chinese boy from committing seppuku*  
  
"No! WuFei, stop it! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! I forbid it!" *wrestles him away from his katana* "Good boy ... Quatre, you know what to do, right?"  
  
*Quatre already making sure there are no sharp or pointy objects in the entire fic* "One step ahead of you!"  
  
*Narrator sighs in relief and resumes post*  
  
Narrator/Me: *shuffling paper* Right. So anyway, Usagi had proven herself to be better than WuFei. One down, four to go.  
  
"Women. Are. Not. Weak." Said Usagi, in a monotone that sounded remarkably like Heero's.  
  
"Right, right," WuFei sighed, already becoming acutely aware that he, like Quatre and Duo, was being taken over by this new girl's ... er ... "charms".  
  
Narrator/Me: Haruka, who glared at the other boys as if daring them to try anything, helped Usagi to her feet. The newest assassin didn't need the help, obviously, but it was a matter of principle for the Senshi.  
  
"Thank you, Haruka-chan," said Usagi, (once again in monotone) because the author has not bothered to research any Japanese at all and obviously does not know that by all rights Usagi is being very disrespectful of the older girl.  
  
Narrator/Me: And so Haruka, with the help of Madam P, kept in check the anger she was feeling while Heero and Trowa tried to control their own emotions. This meant, of course, that both were trying to tell themselves that to fall in love with Usagi, as they were prone to do, was stupid and useless. In the end these pep-talks turned out to be useless because the author who is all-powerful forced them to fall in love with her anyway.  
  
" ... ... ... " said Trowa.  
  
"Hnph," said Heero.  
  
Narrator/Me: Quatre then gasped in horror.  
  
"What is it now, Winner?" asked WuFei, who apparently has never learned his companions first names, even though he uses them in the actual show.  
  
"They're going to fight over Usagi's affections!" Quatre cried.  
  
Narrator/Me: *wincing at Quatre's new girlish attitude* Indeed it seemed that both Heero and Trowa were ready to fight each other for the love of Usagi. Usagi who couldn't love anyone anyway because she followed Heero's own code, but would wind up choosing one anyway because that was her true destiny. Aren't ego boosters great? *flaming stick comes back with a vengeance* ACK! *runs and hides*  
  
"Oh dear, this won't do," said Madam P.  
  
Narrator/Me: Damn right it won't! *gets another paper from the author* Oh! What do you know? She's in the WRONG DIMENSION! *attacks a random henchman* She's supposed to be in the She's supposed to be in the Yoroiden Samurai Troopers dimension!  
  
"Damn," said Madam P, pulling out her time staff. "Well, here we go again."  
  
Narrator/Me: And as before, a bright light surrounded Usagi and she disappeared, leaving the Gundam pilots very confused and very half blind.  
  
~and that's it for chapter 2~  
  
Well, now she's going to see the boys of Yoroiden Samurai Troopers. More stupidity and random silliness to come ... I can hear the groans of horror now =^-^=. 


End file.
